CHB PWNED
by Fullmetal Assassin
Summary: Sequel to PJO PWNED! ITS OUT! ITS HERE! ITS INSANE! So, I, Kris, have been kicked out of the torture studio, and have been sent to Camp Halfblood. What things will be unleashed? What's the camper's breaking point? Find out... Click zee link to CHB PWNED..
1. Week 1

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OMG IT'S FINALLY HERE! XD AFTER A LONG AWAITED THING A MA BOB, ITS HERE! IN ACTUAL STORY FORMAT! (cause some idiots decided to say that I wasn't allowed to write in script form, and just HAD to rain on my parade by trying to report it)

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I was sitting down in my studio, trying to figure out what I was gonna do next for tortures. "Sitting and thinking, thinking and sitting... Cheese..." I heard a knock at the door. Ugh. Real estators. Why can't they just figure out that I didn't need them so they could bug off. I strode to the door and flung it open... To reveal a big random dude.

He said in a deep retarted voice, "Kristen [Insert my last name here], you have offended certain halfbloods. So, for special rehabilitation, you are being sent to Camp Half Blood, in the Hecate Cabin."

I laughed at the thought. "Dude, I ain't moving. I got a good pay, good torture room-"

"Bye." With that, he picked me up, and I was flung out. I flew through the air, and landed on a random couch.

"WHAT THE HELL?" A bright light flashed, and I was at the base of a hill. It looked like a pastoral scene- a huge pine tree at the top, green grass surrounding the area. A forest to my left, with shadows in the trees. A luggage flashed before me... holding my clothes, torture equipment, my machine gun (Which I had gotten back from a certain chick named Tia. GRR!), and an aerosol can of Ax body deoderant. Hey, don't look at me like that! It's a good improv mace can! I trudged up the hill with my very suspicious luggage. Now, I _could_ explain what Camp looked like, but c'mon. If you didn't know, you wouldnt be reading this. There is one thing I did though.

"HEY PEOPLES!" I yelled, spreading out my arms like I was about to hug them.

Silence.

Suddenly, a bunch of campers screamed like they saw Godzilla. They began running back to their cabins, red alarms sounding through the camp. Metal shudders surrounded each cabin, making a long _creaking_ noise. After that... more silence. I skipped down the hill to find the only cabin that wasn't covered in shutters. The Hecate cabin. In short, it was large, black, blue, red, and glittery. Fire burned in the center, the color of sapphires. I threw my luggage onto the floor and began to sort things out. For example, i put my clothes in the dresser, my normal stuff under the bed, and my torture equipment in the spare room.

**THE NEXT DAY**

Everything pretty much looked the exact same- kids practicing, satyrs volleyball-ing, kids talking. I sprinted over to the Hermes cabin, drachmas in hand. I burst into the cabin, panting, to find Connor and Travis Stoll. "Hey- guys, need a-" Pant"-stink bomb. Ten." They looked at each other and grinned. Connor swept his hand under a bunk, until he pulled out a black and green case.

"So, that'l be five drachmas, for ten stink bombs." he said while smirking. I dug into my palm for the drachmas, making a fist so Travis couldn't sneak away with it. "Gods, you're cheap."I grabbed the case and began pelting the two with five drachmas and ran. I sprinted back to my cabin and opened the case. The stink bombs each had a button and a remote detonator. I began skipping around camp, planting the stink bombs at each station- archery, the arena, and so on. I went back to my cabin and grabbed all of the remotes. "Three, two, one..." I looked out the window. Green smoke billowed outwards from one point. Kids were paniking, trying to find a safe spot, only to figure out there was none. Except their cabins. But no one ran to their cabins. They ran towards the forest. I smirked at them- bad choice. The green smog grew thicker, and they came out choking. At this point, they were actually smart enough to go back to the cabins. A red alert alarm went off, finally.

**I know, it's short. So what? ITS THE BEGINNING OF THE END OF THE MIDDLE! XD WHOO HOOO! Review, or I shall slowly roast you over Festus.**


	2. Week 2, the Christmas Special, part 1

Twas the night before Christmas, and no one was stirring not even a mouse...  
Ah, Screw the flowery poetry. In reality the demigods were running around screaming their heads off at the latest prank I pulled. You think they'd have some more courage. I mean suuure I nearly killed them and their brain cells multiple times but you think they'd actually stay and fight the hydra and other multiple monsters I let into camp. Green hydra acid flew across the field- OH MY GODS IT JUST HIT THE ATHENA CABIN! Ah well, no loss there...

_Hours later_

"What's the matter with you?" Annabeth screamed at me."You could've killed us!"

"Don't worry," I said absently,half wondering if I can bribe the furies into helping with my next prank, "Hades will bring you guys back to life if I threatened him..." I frowned. " Actually, he would do it either way. Who would want you in their realm?"

"HEY!" Percy screamed.

"Well, what the hell am I supposed to say?" I ask rolling my eyes.

"Well you can start with a signed contract saying you'll stop tor-" Percy didn't get a chance to finish his sentance, because right then a girl fell out of the sky, almost falling onto the demigods. Shame, it would've been funny... But, almost as if on rewind, she flew back up, THEN landed on the demigods.

The girl stood up and started yelling at the sky, "THANKS! Next time you visit my house I'll be sure kick you out of the top floor!"

The demigods stared at her- Not in shock, due to the fact that they were used to strange things happening, but kind of suspiciously..., "Where did you come from?" Annabeth demanded.

"The gods kicked me out of Olympus," the girl said simply.

"Who are you and why did you get thrown out of Olympus?" Percy asked. Nosily, I might add.

"Oh I have a lot of names: annoying, crazy, insane, future asylum patient, but you can call me Laura!" the girl-Laura- smiled brightly, "Oh and I got kicked out because the gods got annoyed at me for spraypainting their home, trying to steal Apollo's sun chariot and succeeding in stealing Hermes's wallet," she said pulling out a thick wallet full of hundred dollar bills.  
"You did what?" Annabeth said in horror.

"Oh great, just what we need," Nico muttered, "another crazy one." I smirked at him, and towed Laura away. To the Hecate Cabin. Where my torture equipment was. She skipped along happily, like today was the best day of her life. We busted down the door into the Hecate Cabin. Meh, I would fix that later. I lead her to the 'Equipment' room, where a bunch of my 'Equipment' happened to be. Some was being borrowed by the Hermes Cabin, but I could get that back later. I began pulling out random things- A blowtorch, bombs, killer fridges from the Junkyard of the Gods, a rocket, a cauldron, gasoline, a brick wall, a whip, and a coathanger. Laura grabbed some other random items that I couldn't give a crap about till later.

We began talking about random things, everyday things- like the most effective torture, methods we had used in the past. Somehow, the topic landed on Christmas. "Ugh, I have to find a present for my sister... Maybe I could kidnap Santa."

I snorted. "Screw Santa. He's useless. Get the elves!" Suddenly, a large group of gods know how many elves and workshop poofed up right in front of us. Laura and I grinned at eachother.

_Five minutes later_

Laura slashed her whip around at basically nothing, screaming at the elves to work. The elves were playing around with their hands and air, doin nothing.

"WORK!" I screamed, grabbing a coathanger.

Elf83 decided to make a small comment... "OH SHIT SHE HAS A COAT HANGER! MOVE MOVE MOVE!" The elves scrambled around the workshop.

Laura was outright grinning, but frowned. "Wait, what are the elves supposed to be making...?"

"Crap she knows we're making a machine to escape!"

"Wait wha-"

Another elf intercepted, " He means we're making whatever your heart desires!"

Laura's face lit up. "Really? Ok I want world domination, a torture room for my enemies, death to Beiber and Hannah Montana a-

_I ran outta time cards so just think of a REALLY long time later._

"-And a man eating dinosaur and-"

"She's never gonna shut up now!"

A very wise elf decided to toss her a small roll of bubble wrap. "Here, play with this and keep quiet while you work on your long list of stuff." I saw them pull out a blow torch.

"Why on gods's green earth would you need a blowtorch for?" I questioned. They began to panic.

"Uhm, to roast marshmallows..."

Laura's head shot up. "Ooh, I also want marshmallows and a talking penguin named Bill and a-"

"SHUT UP!" An elf screamed. Bad move. Laura's eyes became completely red, not as if she were crying, but her irises were blood, glowing red. She began tyranting around the elves. Some small bodies littered the floor, in no less than two minutes.

"We're in trouble.." An elf muttered.

"SUFFER IN THE ROOM OF UNBEARABLE SUFFERS!" Laura mercilessly tossed elves into a random purple portal. Which led to a room full of kids waiting for Santa. A brave elf, Elf217985192, slowly sat down on the stool. "So, here's the story. RUN!" The elves made a break for the portal, but somehow coathangers appeared and began beating the elves. I looked over to Laura. She was scribbling things down on a large list/scroll.

"What are you doing?" I asked, watching the elves.

"101 ways on How to Torture Santa's elves," she replied simply. Under the title, it read, _'Warning:many elves were hurt/mentally scarred for life/bothered/killed in the making of this story.'_

"Have you ever noticed that if you scramble Santa, you get Satan?" I mused aloud.

"Santa is Satan...Satan is... HADES! HADES IS SANTA!" She screamed, eyes wide.

"OH MY GODS YOUR RIGHT! LET'S GO VISIT HADES! I WANNA SEE 'SANTA'!" A black shadow cast overhead, and we suddenly appeared in the Underworld... with the elves. A throne stood before us, and Hades glared at us. "What the Me do you want?" He demanded.

"SANTA CLAUS!" Laura screamed randomly. Hades/ Santa cursed.

"Styx, my cover's been blown." Nice walked out from a random door from gods know where... and he was in a bright green and red and pink elf suit. Even better, he was pulling a large 'Santa's Sleigh' type thing decked out in skulls. Laura was babbling at Hades on what she wanted for Christmas, for about five minutes. Hades and Nico fumed. "I WILL DESTROY YOU, MORTAL!" Hades screamed. Idiot.

Laura and I smirked. "We ain't mortal. We're demigods. Even worse, we're fanfic writers. We OWN YOU!" I screamed.

Nico frowned. "I thought Rick Riordan owned us."

"No, thanks to my friends, Tia and Tori, he's in Tartarus, halfly suffering for not willingly giving us PJO, and helping Kronos bake his turkey dinner."

Laura made a 0_o face. "Kronos can cook?"

A deep voice came from below us. "My phyciatrist says I need an activity to vent my anger issues."

Another voice, very faint, also came from under. "He- Has. ALOT- of- issues. AHHHHHHHH!" Yup, that was Rick...

_**To be continued...**_

**Hahaha. So yes, I can't keep on going due to the fact that this chapter is ubber long in my standards. But... Give a hand for the awesome partner in crime I had, the person who helped me write this and come up with ideas on torture... PANDASWITHBAZOOKAS! Other wise known as the chick who fell from Olympus. She wrote the first few paragraphs, and all the ideas used here came from our insanity talking and torturing. Hehe. MUAHAHAHAHA! Anyways, I won't be able to update for a while... CAUSE IM GOING TO NYC BOOTCHES! HELL YEA! EVEN BETTER IMMA BE AN UNACCOMPANIED MINOR! MUAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! NEW YORK, HEAR ME ROAR! If I get a laptop and some wi-fi at my cuzin's place there, I'll update. Till then... SEE YA! MERRY CHRISTMAS IF I DON'T UPDATE(Which I prob will)**

**REVIEW FOR THE SAKE OF NICO THE ELF!**


	3. Week 3, Capture the Flag: Disturbia

**I know. The fans of this story hate me and may want to start a mob in order to run me over. So here's what happened over the past fifteen months since I updated.**

**Originally, I had this major writer's block. Sounds cliche, I know, but it's a bitch sometimes. Second, over the past three months or so, I withdrew from due to _more _serious writer's block on _anything. _So I'm kinda here to redeem myself, and I realize alot of my old stories were crap, and I'm rewriting them. So there.**

**BUT HOLY SHNITZEL I'VE MISSED YOU ALL LIKE CRAZY! *heart***

**ONWARDS TO STORY...**

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Capture the flag. While most people write it off as a kid's game, ususally campers were eager to leap into the forest and attempt to rip eachother's hamstrings apart. Although, for some reason, they didn't seem all that excited. I managed to catch a couple glimpses thrown my way, whispers travelling ear from ear.

"...I'd hate to be on the other team..."

"...She's freaking crazy, dude..."

"...think if I hide, she won't find me?"

Somehow, I think this revolved around the new camper, AKA moi. But believe me, I was way pshyced on this.

As night fell, campers gathered around the creek, clutching weapons and clad in armor. Chiron looked slightly concerned, as if he were picking out who'd need medic treatment. And, as it turns out, I was on a team with Cabin 7, 6, 11, and some other cabins I couldn't care less about. Apollo, Athena, and Hermes. Some of the biggest cabins. Although I didn't even plan who's team I'd be on, and had no idea how I managed to get on a team, I had a feeling that this would be fun. Very fun...

As the conch horn sounded, camper met camper over the creek, tangled in a somewhat messy brawl. As for yours truly, I didn't pick a fight, surprisingly. I skipped over the boundary into the woods. An Apollo kid shot past me like a deer, followed by some idiot Ares camper. I kept going.

There is this one point where I strolled into a clearing, and was ambushed by magical moving plants. In the end, I was dangling upside down, held by one foot from a tree. Six feet off the ground.

"I can't believe that worked," a girl's voice said.

"Neither do I. Believe me, neither do I." A group of kids came out of the brush, forming a loose semi circle around me. I smiled serenely back at them. "Why hello," I said in my softest and disturbing voice. "How goes it?"

Several kids blinked. What, they thought I'd go all raving beast on them? Well I didn't. Yet. One of the guys recovered enough to grin back. "Not bad. Nice night, isn't it?"

"Yeah," I said, "Very pretty. Lots of stars, not very usual for Long Island. And it's still warm."

"By the way," a girl said sweetly, "We get to take you as prisoner."

I frowned. "Really? I'd rather not." I looked up at the vine and smiled. A small flame, smaller than a candle's, began burning. It was pretty, lighting up the air around it with orange. By now, the Demeter kids(at least, I assumed they were Demeter kids) looked slightly alarmed, and more vines snaked from the underbrush. I laughed, and those lit on fire as well.

I love magic.

So, the vine that held me up burned away, and I fell. But it wasn't too bad though, because I managed to stop myself a foot off the ground. Landing softly on the dirt floor, I smiled at the captors. "Now, if you don't mind, could you tell me where the flag is? It would really mean alot to me."

A kid snorted. "As if," he sneered.

The smile only became more serene. "It's a shame that your cabin's roof is made of grass. The stuff burns so easily. "

One of them looked rather taken aback. "You wouldn't," she said, her eyes narrowed.

"You wanna bet?" I asked softly. A small ring of fire began rising up around them, uncomfortable close. I think I had them.

More alarmed looks. When the heat began to reach even me, one of the dudes snapped. "_It's on the cliff!" _

"Thank you!" The calm smile wiped away, replaced by a huge grin. I began skipping away.

"_Wait! _Aren't you going to stop the fire?"

I pursed my lips in thought. Hmm...

"Fine. But I wanna hold an Easter egg hunt over your cabin's roof."

"DEAL." And so, the fire switched up, shifting into cords that wrapped them in a huge bundle.

"I never did say I'd let you go," I murmured. So I began skipping away. I had a flag thingamajig to find.

Twenty minutes later, I was driving away on a forest path in some sports car. Campers lay dazed and blinking on the cliff, and some Hermes kid(I think it was Connor) was holding on to the flag in the backseat. "Go faster!" He urged. Meh, why not. So I kept on driving, and I think I ran over some kid who was blocking the path.

Another five minutes later, the flag was safely delivered. But I got bored, so here's what happened...

I grabbed a goalie's hockey mask and an axe, like the one a lumber jack would use. And then I emerged from the woods.

" OH GODS! IT'S A CANADIAN AXE MURDERER! EVERYONE RUN FOR IT!"

Here's where the _real _fun begins.

**Hmmm... Not as absolutely crazy as usual, more disturbing, but I'm at least happy I posted after fifteen(or sixteen) months. Oh well! Hope y'all enjoyed it!**


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